Chapter 5

I arrived at Hannah's house in a dizzying blur. She greeted me at the door with that fake smile that she always gave me and I followed her inside. As I hung up my coat on the rack, I realized how I'd never actually been in her house before. It was structured the same way that mine was, but with more family photos on the walls and more lush decorations. Her family had already started decorating for Christmas as well. "You're the last to get here," Hannah said. "My sisters are spending the weekend at their friend's house and my brother went out of town with my parents. So we don't need to worry about anyone getting in the way." She was dressed in a loose Sleater-Kinney t-shirt and slim fit blue jeans. Her blonde hair was tied up behind her head, and that day's makeup took on more of a minimalist look. Hannah gestured for me to follow her. "Everyone's in the living room." I walked behind Hannah as she led me into the living room, where Nancy, Lucas, and Darren were gathered sitting on the couches in front of the television, playing some old western rerun. "Jay's here," Hannah announced as we walked in.

Lucas looked up and smiled at me, with a little wave. His long black hair was tied low behind his head and he wore some gray college hoodie with black sweatpants. His skin was light brown, like Avery's, and his face was pockmarked with acne scars, covering a good portion of his cheeks. He was Native American, his family the only native one in a town of mostly white people, so at the very least we could relate to feeling like outcasts---maybe for different reasons, but still. But he never liked talking about it, so it wasn't like it even mattered all that much. From what I could tell, at least Nancy genuinely liked him. They were sitting next to one another on the couch when I walked in, and Nancy definitely didn't hide her glare. She was wearing a short gray pleated skirt with striped black and purple leggings. Her shirt was some cartoon I didn't recognize, colored in pastel pink. The bow in her hair was dark purple today, matching her leggings. She was leaning on Lucas's shoulder, but still bothered to turn her head just to glare at me.

Darren sat in a lush chair on the far side of the couch, wearing a black Metallica shirt and dark blue jeans, a canned soda in his hand. He shared the same look Nancy had on her face, his eyes tracking me as I sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table.

Hannah stood in the doorway. "So since we're all here, should we order some pizza or something? I've got some more pop in the kitchen, if you're interested in that too."

"I could go for some pizza," Lucas said.

"What kind of movies do you have?" Darren asked, taking another slow sip of his soda. "Wanna get a good idea of what we'll be watching today."

Hannah picked up the landline phone. "You can go and look in the basement. What kind of pizza do you guys want?"

"Pepperoni," Nancy piped up quickly.

Lucas raised his hand slowly. "Mind ordering cheese?"

"I'll take sausage," Darren said as he stood up.

Hannah looked at me. "Do you have a preference?"

I shook my head. "Whatever you guys get is fine."

She shrugged and dialed the number of the local pizza place. Darren headed out of the room, and the sound of the basement door in the hall opening and closing followed behind him. I leaned forward and flicked through the channels on the television mindlessly, uninterested in anything that was on.

"Wait, stop! Go back!" Nancy suddenly said.

I turned a couple channels back to one that was playing a rerun of Wuthering Heights. I narrowed my eyes at the television and then looked back at Nancy. "Seriously?"

"Come on," she said, "You have to admit this movie is good."

"Ehh..."

She stared at me. "Just shut up, get out of the way."

I rolled my eyes and moved out of the way, setting the remote back down on the coffee table. Hannah finished ordering the pizza and took a seat down next to me. "So what are we watching?"

"Wuthering Heights, it seems," I sighed.

"Not for long!" Darren's voice sounded from the doorway as he came walking back into the room, carrying VHS cases. He sat down on the other side of the coffee table and laid out his collection on the table. "Here, I've got some good horror and a few comedies if you're not interested in that."

Lucas sat forward and picked up one of the tapes off the table. "This is A Nightmare on Elm Street?"

Nancy shivered. "Ugh, I hate that movie. Couldn't sleep for weeks."

Hannah leaned into the conversation. "Let's save the scary movies for when it gets dark," she said. "It'll be more fun that way." She picked up another tape. "Have you guys seen Beetlejuice?"

Nancy and Lucas shook their heads while Darren responded with a short nod. "Yeah, my mom loves that movie. Won't stop watching it."

I shook my head as well. "Dahlia doesn't let me watch it 'cause she's afraid that Daisy might see it."

Lucas tilted his head. "Dahlia?"

"His mom," Darren said. "He calls his mom by her first name, like a fuckin weirdo."

Hannah laughed lightly before clicking a button on the VCR. "Let's watch it, then." She stuck the tape in the slot and sat back next to me. I hardly paid any attention to the movie, trying to stay still as the persistent hunger dug further and further into me. I crossed my legs and held tightly onto the shaggy carpet as my tremors grew worse. We were about halfway into the movie when I was jolted back into reality by the sound of Hannah's doorbell ringing. She leapt to her feet and hit pause on the movie before heading to the front door. As soon as it opened, the strong smell of the pizza hit my nose and I was reminded of the hunger curling inside of me relentlessly, spurring some sensation of sickness in my body.. Shortly after, she brought three pizzas into the room and set them down on the coffee table.

"Bon appétit!" she said cheerfully.

Darren slid off of his chair. "Oooh, finally." He opened the box marked "sausage" and picked up a slice with one hand, still sipping from what was left of his soda held in his other hand.

As the others grabbed pizza, I held my shaking hand over my mouth, trying to calm myself down before I took a couple slices for myself. While it tasted more amazing than it would've in any other circumstances, it still did absolutely nothing, like I expected.

After a few minutes, Darren crushed the empty can of soda and pulled a plastic baggie out of his pocket. "Have you guys ever smoked weed?"

The four of us turned to look at him, with varying reactions. Nancy was completely appalled, while Lucas and Hannah seemed more curious. I couldn't bring myself to care either way. It was just weed.

"Are you serious?" Nancy said incredulously. "My dad would kill me."

"Oh come on, don't be such a square," Darren teased. "No one will know."

Lucas simply shrugged. "I'm down for whatever, but I do have to drive home after this, so I probably won't be doing too much."

Darren didn't wait for my confirmation and instead looked straight to Hannah. "So, what does our hostess say?"

She smiled and shrugged as well. "Let's do it. Sounds fun."

Darren grinned and pointed finger guns at Hannah. "Nice." He laid the contents of the baggie on the table and rolled two blunts. "Lucky for you, I'm already a pro."

I leaned on the table and gave him a tired look. "How many times have you done this, exactly?"

He looked up at me as he lit the first one. "None of your concern." He held the second blunt out to Lucas and Nancy as he took the first few puffs.

Lucas gingerly plucked the end from Darren's hand and took the lighter from him. "Good craftsmanship," he said as he lit it.

"Glad you recognize my skills at the very least." Darren handed off his smoke to Hannah, who took one long drag before sighing out a heavy breath.

"Good stuff," she said, chuckling. "Who's your dealer?" She handed the blunt to me.

"I'm not at liberty to say," Darren replied, awkwardly.

Nancy scoffed. "Come on, we're not snitches." She took a couple puffs from her blunt and handed it back to Lucas. "Besides, maybe Lucas wants some for himself." The pair laughed while the room was starting to grow hazy with smoke.

I stared at the smoldering blunt in between my fingers and considered my options. Like Lucas said, I also had to drive after this and I wasn't sure how I'd be able to manage if I was high off my ass. But again, part of me was losing the strength to care at all. So after a moment, I eventually stuck the end between my lips and took a cautious inhale. A welcoming burning sensation flowed into my sinuses and chest, and a dizzying lightheadedness followed immediately after. Forgetting to release the breath I'd taken, I suddenly choked and coughed up a couple breaths of smoke.

Darren grinned as I passed the blunt to him. "Never done this before?"

I let out another cough before shaking my head, rubbing my watering eyes. "No, never."

"Clearly."

Hannah stood up, waving the smoke away from her face. "Anyway, I'm going to open the window. I don't want the smell to stick." She leaned behind the television and unhooked the lock on the window before pushing it open. A wash of cold air entered the room, and we all collectively shivered. We continued watching the movies laid out for us, all while we continued to smoke until the blunts had smoldered away. I wasn't aware of how much time passed, for everything grew distorted and my senses heightened all at once. At some point, I passed out on the carpet, curled up against the couch while the fourth or fifth movie played. When I woke up, in a daze, it was dark out. The window was still open, the scent of marijuana lingering on my clothes.

I lifted myself up off the ground, trying to collect myself. The room was freezing and dark, the only light coming from the television and the hall light. Nancy and Lucas were cuddled up on the couch in a compromised state, similarly dozing off. I tugged the window shut and looked around, quickly finding that Darren and Hannah were nowhere to be found. I pressed pause on the television and nudged Nancy awake, who barely stirred from her nap.

"Hey," I said, my voice hoarse and quiet. "Hey."

Her eyes opened slightly and she looked at me, annoyed. "What?" she said, her voice slightly muffled as she lay in Lucas's lap.

"Where's Darren and Hannah?"

"I think they...went upstairs...I dunno." She closed her eyes again and settled back into her comfortable position.

With a sigh, I turned back to look at the window. I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to pick up Daisy and my neutrality turned into panic, suddenly the lost time was actualized. I scrambled over to the front door and started pulling on my boots. As I did, a sudden dark shape flew past me in the direction of the stairs. I instinctively held up my hands, then tried to see what it was. I initially thought that something had been thrown in my direction, but I couldn.t locate whatever had been thrown. When I looked in the direction it had gone in, a feather had been left on one of the stairs. I slowly stood up and walked over to it, wearing one shoe. Looking up the stairs, a trail of feathers leading up it. Slowly, I followed the trail up to the second story. The trail led into a dimly lit bedroom, the door partly open. I wrapped my hand around the doorknob and slowly pushed it open. It was Hannah's bedroom, evident by the way it was decorated. But I had no time to even think about it before I saw Hannah and Darren making out with one another on the bed. Her hand was gripping the waistline of his pants and his hand was already creeping up her shirt.

I stood there for a moment, trying to comprehend what I was seeing, before an uncontrolled sneeze came rocketing out of my body. The two were broken from one another, turning to look at me in shock.

Hannah gazed at me with a look of sympathy in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Jay, I---"

"No, I don't care," I interrupted. "Not like we had anything to begin with." I turned to leave the room.

"Wait, please, come on." She scrambled to her feet, getting caught in the loose bed sheets. I headed back down the stairs, the feathers that had led me there completely gone. I didn't think about it much, though, for my mind was muddied with a feeling of betrayal I didn't think I could feel. I hadn't expected to feel hurt if Hannah and I were ever to break up, but I guessed I was starting to get too comfortable like this.

I haphazardly shoved my feet in my boots and grabbed my coat, heading outside without bothering to put it on. Slamming the door of the car, I sat in the driver's seat and dropped my coat in the passenger side. Without putting my seatbelt on, I stuck the keys in the ignition and drove home with no regard for traffic laws. Dahlia was sitting on the stairs when I walked in through the front door. The clock on the wall read nine thirty-two, and the only light on was the hallway light. She looked up at me with that cookie-cutter disappointment I always got from her whenever I did something wrong.

"Where have you been?"

I kicked my shoes off and dropped the keys on the table next to the banister. "No where."

"You didn't pick up your sister like I asked you to."

"Well, I forgot."

She narrowed her eyes and stood up. "Is that all you have to say?" Before I could answer, she covered her nose. "Agh, You smell terrible. Were you doing drugs too?"

"None of your business," I muttered in a low tone dripping with irritation and fatigue. "Get out of the way."

Dahlia continued staring at me. "Your sister had to walk home in the dark all by herself. From across town. Do you have any idea what could've happened to her? She was terrified when she arrived home."

"So? Builds character." I ran my tongue over my dry lips and clenched my jaw. "She didn't have to. I'll bet she chose to simply because she thought it would be cool. So what if I fucking forgot? Not like you or Abigail couldn't have brought her home." I stepped closer to her. "Now get out of the way."

Her expression morphed into horror and disbelief at my words, not like that was anything new for her to hear. She slowly stepped aside and I marched up the stairs without sparing a second. The door to my bedroom slammed behind me, satisfyingly shut, cracking through the silent house. I collapsed into my bed without changing into pajamas. I was far too tired and far too apathetic to even try. The image of Hannah and Darren together was seared to the inside of my eyelids and I failed to nail a reason why I felt this way about a relationship that hardly existed. They were going to end up together regardless, I knew this from the start. But my heart still ached. That comfort in that relationship felt torn from me, as it would have always been eventually. I fell asleep in my clothes that night, plagued by the incessant tapping of something against my window.