7: doctrine of violation

"I'm really sorry about all of the stuff I said last night...I really wasn't thinking properly. Please just forget about it, OK?"

This was the first text I saw the morning after Alaya had come back to my dorm with me. I was alone when I woke up, which was just what I expected, but I wasn't upset with her.

In the last couple of days before the night we were supposed to perform, I spent the majority of my time either with Alaya or practicing with my band. I didn't talk with Alaya about the things she said to me when she was drunk, and it was obvious to me that she wanted to pretend like it hadn't even happened, which is what she did. Cillian didn't talk to me about the things I had told him, and I didn't want him to. That, I appreciated.

Despite all of the distractions I indulged myself in, I still could not bear the nights without any acid. I would wake up in the middle of the night to the sensation of the god forsaken creature squirming through my chest or my throat, sometimes even coupled with the feeling that it was trying to climb out. Before I'd started acid, this was what would usually interrupt my sleep aside from nightmares. If I fell asleep while I was high, I was for sure going to be knocked out for hours, and that was something I'd come to rely on. But because I'd been taking it so much, inevitably, I got more tolerant of it. Those breaks where I gave my body time to reset were always the most miserable. So many times I'd come close to overdosing just because I didn't want to go a week or two without a good night's sleep. But still, it never fixed anything.

I texted my dealer and asked him to meet me on Friday night---the plan was to head straight over to him after I left the club. I always paid him ahead of time, since I never had any cash on me, and I'd seen him enough times to trust that he'd have what I'd asked for. I'd consider him a friend if I didn't only see him when I needed more acid.

Come Friday, I was hardly satisfied with the demo we put together over the past week, but the others thought it was good enough. I figured I'd just put up with the performance and then relax when it was done, and we could make it sound better without a deadline of a week. We all met at the club a few hours before the show, before it had opened to the public. We were there to make sure our equipment was compatible, easy to move between sets, and to rehearse in the order we were meant to go in with the other bands. Since the majority of it was technical nonsense, I spent a lot of the day sitting at the empty bar while Ryan was handling that stuff and while the others were socializing with the other bands. I was drinking water, for I had nothing else to do, and stared at the polished wooden counter top, deep in thought. I bit down on the rim of the plastic bottle as I did.

Jessie walked up behind me and patted me on the shoulder, causing me to jump, where I almost choked on my water. "Hey, what's up man? How are you doing?"

I coughed. "Jesus, you scared the shit out of me."

She laughed. "Sorry, dude. I'm just happy to see you, it's been a while."

I turned around in my seat to face her. "Seriously? You are?"

She tilted her head. "Sure I am. Ryan and Cillian always come by, but never you. I mean, yeah, I get you've got a bar closer to your school, and one that doesn't have shows going on almost every weekday, but you could at least stop by more often."

I shook my head. "I'm not really all about the bar life, Jess. I probably wouldn't even take a sip of wine in a church."

"Ah come on. You come here, and I'll give you all the water you want."

I chuckled a little at that remark, but before I could respond, my phone vibrated with a text message. Looking at my phone, I saw it was a message from Alaya:

"Hey, I'm outside. The door is locked, can you let me in? Or get someone else to?"

Upon seeing that message, I remembered she was going to meet us here and hang out before the show, but she'd been late. I glanced up from my phone at Jessie. "Hey, my girlfr---my...my uhhh...my friend is outside. Can you let her in?"

She smirked at my stuttering and nodded. "Yeah, sure." She headed toward the front door, sifted through her keys, and then unlocked the door. I watched from the bar as she let Alaya in, shared a short greeting, and locked the door behind her.

Alaya was dressed in one of her more elaborate outfits that day, with makeup that was sharper and bolder, making her eyes stand out. She'd curled her hair and tied it back with navy blue bows, leaving just her bangs framing her face. Judging by the fact that she was wearing a short hooped skirt, it was clear that this was one of her more impractical outfits, the kind for parties. And she dressed up like this, just to see my band.

Jessie led her over to me. "Here you are!" she said. After a pause, she leaned close to me and whispered, "This is your girlfriend? Dude, you better not fuck this up!" I looked at her with a tired expression on my face, but she just kept smiling as she walked back over to the stage.

"So, what have you been up to?"

I turned my attention to Alaya and shrugged. "Boring stuff."

She smiled slightly. "I guess that's to be expected." She sat down on a bar stool next to me and set her purse on the table. "While we're sitting here, wanna show me some of your 'deathcore'?"

"Right, sure." I took my phone out and plugged in my earbuds, offering one to Alaya. "I'll play you a few of my favorite bands."

She took the earbud and put it in while I scrolled through the songs I had saved. "Uhh, this one...this one's called Chelsea Grin. And this song is called Crewcabanger." My hand trembling, I hit play. I watched as she jumped in her seat at the sudden start, and the facial expressions she made when the vocals came in.

"Christ," she breathed. "This song is intense."

"Yeah, no shit." I scrolled for a bit, found Recreant, and played that for her once Crewcabanger had finished.

She nodded her head slightly to the beat. "I like the uhhh, the guitar riffs in this one. Sounds really cool."

"Me too," I said. Once again, I waited for the song to end, and moved on to find another one. "This band is called Suicide Silence. And this song, it's called You Only Live Once."

About a minute into the song, she said, "This sounds a lot like what you guys have been working on. Are you fans?"

"Just me and Cillian, mostly. We found them together when we were in high school. For drums, Ryan is really more inspired by bands like Chelsea Grin and Infant Annihilator."

"What about Elias? Where does he take inspiration from?"

I shrugged. "Don't know."

She was silent for a moment, before saying, "Speaking of Infant Annihilator, will you show me their music? I'm kind of curious after what I heard from Ryan."

I shook my head. "No shot I'm gonna be responsible for that. Listen to it yourself or ask him."

She laughed. "Do you listen to anything other than stuff like this?"

"Sure, of course. It would be kind of weird if I didn't." I scrolled on my phone a bit more, then started playing Korn's Issues album. "I listen to Korn sometimes. They're more nu metal, if you know what that means."

"Sort of," she said.

"I also have a soft spot for some of the emo shit that's been going around these days. Some of it's really not that bad."

Alaya rested her elbow on the counter, silent for a couple of minutes as the music played. "How did you get into metal?"

I pulled a hand through my hair, thinking of an answer. "The first metal band I ever heard was Korn. My dad was...um, he was a fan. I still have some of his old CDs that he bought as the albums came out. And then I listened to some other stuff, like System of A Down, Rage Against the Machine...really vanilla stuff like that. It wasn't until high school that Cillian and I started going to a fuckton of concerts, just for the hell of it, and we just got into all of these extreme metal bands."

Alaya was smiling as I talked. She nodded, and asked, "How did you all meet?"

I inhaled sharply. "Well, as I told you, I met Cillian in middle school. Seventh grade. The reason we became friends is because we were both sort of outcasts. Everyone thought I was a creep, and Cillian had just moved here from England and didn't know anyone."

She frowned slightly. "Why did everyone think---"

"And we met Ryan in high school. He went to the same school that we did, Cillian saw that he was wearing a Cannibal Corpse shirt, and invited him to have lunch with us. I only met Elias when Ryan came up with the idea that we should start a band. He never went to the same school as we did, he was just a friend that Ryan knew from summer camp. We needed someone to play bass, and there he was."

"Oh," she said. She pursed her lips, unanswered questions hanging before her, before simply nodding. "I see. So you don't really know him that well? I mean, Elias."

"No, and I don't really care to."

"How did you learn about his...his dad and all? When you mentioned him before---"

Irritation was starting to bubble over inside me. "Because that's all he fucking talks about when he isn't fucking with me. Besides, Ryan tells me things about him when it's relevant."

She tilted her head. "Like what?"

"Does it matter?" I snapped. "Why do you want to talk about him so much?"

She went silent for a moment, losing eye contact with me. Quietly, she said, "Sorry. I just wanted a little more context. You know, for why he acts the way he does."

I snorted. "Even if there is an explanation, it doesn't fucking matter. He's still a piece of shit. If you wanna know so much about him, just go talk to him yourself."

"Sorry," she said again.

We sat in silence for the next few minutes. I could see it in her eyes that she had something more to say, that she wanted to talk, but she stayed silent. After these few minutes had passed, I could no longer stand the unbearable tension hanging in the air, following our conversation. I stood up, took my phone and the pair of earbuds we'd been sharing, and walked off. She didn't follow me, for which I was momentarily grateful, but that didn't stop the guilt and dread eating at me from the inside.

We were the second band to go up and play, and it was an odd feeling, I could admit, looking out into a crowd of people who were all looking back at me. And of course they were, everyone always looks at the singer. I was the one who would speak to them, I was the face that they would pair with the music. And standing there, my heart threatening to explode out of my chest, I wished for a moment that I could wear a mask like any other bands, wishing for some kind of separation between myself and who I was onstage, feeling my heart bleeding into the music in front of all these people.

I took the microphone in my hand and set the stand aside as Cillian and Elias were getting their pedals in order. Clearing my throat, I said, "What the fuck is up, everyone?" My voice lacked the enthusiasm that you'd hear at any other concert, but nonetheless, there was scattered cheering and applause from the audience. I rubbed my eyes and muttered into the microphone, "Fuck, I'm too tired for this," which was immediately met with laughter. Of course.

I glanced over at Cillian, and he met my eyes with a nod. That told me it was time to speed this along. "How many of you enjoyed Time's Suffering?" After surveying the raised hands and the sparse cheering, I nodded, pacing slightly across the stage. "Yeah, seriously disgusting music. We're Cellar Sororicide. I would ask if you've heard of us before, but I'm pretty sure the only fucks who'd be able to answer that are the neighbors we piss off in the middle of the night."

More laughter.

I sighed and glanced at Ryan, nodding for him to ready his drumsticks. "Anyway, this song is called Of Dreams and Desolation."

Ryan's drums came in first, then Elias's bass, then Cillian's guitar. I felt my hesitation before I started screaming into the microphone. There was something about performing onstage that made me feel more on edge. Maybe it was so many sharp gazes piercing my body, or merely the knowledge of Alaya watching us from the backstage entrance. It could've been the heat of the stage lights beating down on me, hot against my skin as though it was melting from my bones---myself: the star attraction at the center of the furnace, and in that performance my lungs burned with the force of my screaming, and in a couple of moments, I felt myself stumble as I paced across the stage.

I barely managed to get through the first song, and I was certainly feeling incredibly grateful that we were only playing the two. If this were a full concert, I had no doubts I would collapse over the side of the stage. In our short break, I took a long drink of water from a water bottle I left by Ryan's kick drum. That made me feel infinitely better, and I managed to clear my throat and prepare myself properly for our second song.

Before we moved on to the second song, I decided to talk to the audience again. I pulled the mic from the stand once again and stepped close to the edge of the stage. "So what did you all think of that, huh? Did you like that?" I was met with a collection of cheering and applause in response. With a sigh, I said, "Christ, you pieces of shit. You have the worst taste in music."

Laughter. Again. In my exhaustion their voices distorted in my head into twisted mockery---don't you know how much I suffer?

"Alright. This song is called Doctrine of Violation. If you guys enjoy this one, you're probably just better off killing yourselves."

This song started with Cillian's guitar, then Elias's bass, and then Ryan's drumming. I had an easier time keeping myself standing this time and did my best to actually put more movement into my stage presence. It didn't stop the way performing put me on edge, though. At some points, I felt like I was going to lose my mind completely. It didn't help that, during the bridge, instead of playing the breakdown we'd practiced, Cillian sidetracked into a freestyle solo that made me lose track of the time signature. Nothing was more irritating than that, especially in front of a live audience.

I managed to find where we were through the sound of Elias's basslines and finished off the song successfully to much audience appraisal. After I took a drink of water, I looked at Cillian and said, "Fuck man, you could've told me you were gonna pull some shit like that."

The audience laughed again, endlessly grating on my senses, but Cillian didn't laugh. Thank fuck, I supposed, that he at least understood that I wasn't joking.

"Thanks for listening to our shit," I said. "Lechies is up next." I tossed the mic on the floor and immediately headed backstage while the others were packing up their equipment. Much like I expected, Alaya had been standing in the doorway to the backstage the entire time. I walked past her without saying anything and she followed me. I stopped in the employees' lounge and got myself another water bottle from the fridge. I could see that Alaya wanted to say something, but before she could speak, Jessie appeared practically out of nowhere.

"Hey! Jakey!" she exclaimed.

"Don't call me that."

She smiled. "Oh, of course. But dude, you've got such effortlessly good stage presence. I haven't laughed like that at a show in forever."

I sighed. "I wasn't trying to be funny."

"Maybe that's why," she said. "You were just being genuine. Not trying too hard, like the annoying fuckheads."

"Maybe. Jessie, would you give me some space? I'm not in the mood to talk."

She held up her hands and stepped back. "Sure man." She waved, nodding to Alaya as well, before walking away and returning to the backstage area.

I turned to Alaya, and while I could see it in her eyes that she knew I didn't want to be around her, I didn't make her leave. I handed her my water bottle and walked away, and decided to get some privacy to calm myself down in the restroom. And while restrooms at clubs were never the most clean or lavish in the world, they were almost always empty, and the fact that this was the employee restroom made it slightly better.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time, but I was probably hiding out in a stall staring at my phone for at least thirty minutes before I figured I should probably get going. And those thirty mintues, sitting alone with my thoughts and stewing dread, didn't do much to calm my mental state---still I was exhausted, restless, burdened with the unending feeling that something terrible was about to happen, and while I wasn't anywhere near ready to leave, I still had to meet with David, my dealer, and I didn't want to be late or miss our meeting entirely. So after making sure that no one else was in the restroom, I stepped out of the stall, quickly washed my face, and headed back out. The moment I did, I immediately regretted doing so.

Alaya was waiting for me just outside the restroom, but I was not concerned with her presence. In the time that I was in there, the rest of my band had gathered in the employees' lounge. And sitting on the couch in the midst of a conversation, with Elias, was Rachel. Fucking Rachel. In one horrific moment, all of my anxieties had been validated.

She was nodding, a bag of pretzels in her hand. "Oh yeah, you should've seen the way he talked to the girls. It was totally like, it was like he was on something, you know?" It didn't take a moment to pass before both of them noticed me standing there. They looked up at me, Rachel with a serious, more hateful expression, and Elias, with a knowing smirk on his face.

"Rachel?!" exclaimed through gritted teeth, I was so close to losing it right then and there.

Elias smiled, taking a pretzel from the bag she was holding. "She said she knew you in middle school."

"What the hell is she doing here?!" I couldn't keep myself from yelling that time, which drew Cillian's and Ryan's attention toward us.

"Cillian invited me," Rachel said with unshaking nonchalance, but her expression didn't change. "He didn't tell you?"

For a moment, my eyes flicked up toward Cillian. "No, he didn't fucking tell me."

Elias stood up and walked over to me, standing close to the point where I could smell the cigarettes on his breath. Then he said, with malice in his voice, "Is it true that you fucked your sister?"

The moment the last word came out of his mouth, I immediately grew dizzy, static buzzing in my ears. I glanced over at Rachel, my head light and numb, now standing with Cillian, Alaya, watching with a concerned look on her face, and Ryan, standing beside her with a similar expression. That simple sentence might as well have been the equivalent of gutting me in the street.

Reflexively, I grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, my hands trembling uncontrollably. "Shut the hell up!! You don't know what happened!!" I yelled, almost screaming, my voice breaking and hoarse, having lost any of its aggression with my involuntary weakness.

His smile didn't falter. "I always knew you were fucked in the head. Besides the obvious..." He tilted his head slightly. "I bet you asked her to, didn't you? You begged her to---"

I punched Elias in the face before he could finish what he was saying. His smile disappeared, and he pulled himself out of my grip, roughly shoving me away. We stood there in silence as an eternity of seconds passed before I tackled him to the ground and beat him bloody, my knuckles splitting against his teeth, blood splattering across his face and into his mouth---I gave him a black eye, I was sure I broke his nose, and he spat out at least one bloody tooth into my face.

I paused for a moment, my hands bloody and bleeding, and tried to catch my breath. "You...you selfish blond asshole."

Despite grimacing at the pain, he managed to force a smile. In response, spitting up the blood between his lips, "You're blond too, dumbass."

I could only feel more anger burn inside of me, and as I raised my hand to hit him again, I felt hands around my shoulders, forcing me to my feet away from him. I pulled away, scrambling to my feet, and turned to see that it was Cillian. Looking at him didn't help in the slightest. There were so many things I wanted to yell at him, but none of them made it out of my mouth. I didn't even bother looking at Rachel or Elias again, and just shoved my way past Ryan, headed straight for the backdoor that led out to the parking lot behind the club.

Alaya was following me.

I stopped by the curb and leaned over, thinking I was going to throw up. My head was spinning and my stomach churned with all sorts of unnameable feelings. To make it even worse, the fucking parasite was squirming around the inside of my head as though it was enjoying my misery. So badly I wanted to rip that thing out and stomp it to death into the concrete, along with the rest of my insides pressing against the inside of my ribcage in response to my unshakeable dispair---wanting to turn myself inside out because that's basically what already happened anyway---why not just show everyone what they did to me?

When I felt Alaya's hands on my shoulders, I immediately pulled away from her. "Don't f-fucking touch me." I took a breath, thinking I had more to say, and only said again, "Don't."

She silently nodded and folded her hands in front of her.

I couldn't stand still. I paced back and forth, kicked trash and broken glass bottles across the pavement, even screamed and cursed to no one, my voice echoing off of the concrete buildings. I felt like I was going insane. I wasn't even sure what I was going to do anymore. Part of me just wanted to kill myself and the other part of me wanted to kill everyone else. Simultaneously, I longed for the ability to cry on someone's shoulder until I couldn't breathe. I did none of those things, of course, and after I got tired of walking in circles, I sat down against the wall to catch my breath.

Alaya hesitated, the uncertainty clear on her face, but after a moment, she walked over and stood next to me. I glanced up at her, then back at the ground, and I shook my head. "You're allowed to sit down," I murmured defeatedly.

She hesitated again, then lowered herself to the ground, sitting on her knees. She opened and closed her mouth, words sitting on her tongue, before finally deciding that she was going to speak. "I didn't know you had a sister," she said.

"Neither did I," I replied, my voice quiet. "I didn't know that monster was supposed to be my sister."

She swallowed. "And...Rachel. Who-who is she?"

I slowly shook my head. "I don't...I don't know, Alaya,"starting to whine like a child, and tears were rolling down my face uncontrollably. "I just...I just wanna fucking kill myself. I don't want to exist anymore."

"Okay," she whispered, voice gentle but alarm present in her expression, "But don't kill yourself, alright? No one here wants that to happen."

"It feels like you're the only one on my side right now, Alaya." I sniffed, breathing deeply. "And I don't even fucking deserve it."

"Jake, you---"

"Don't try and convince me otherwise. I don't need to hear that right now." I got to my feet and brushed off my jeans. "I'm gonna go see my dealer, I'm going to get my acid, and I'll just spend the night tripping in a park or something."

Alaya stood up as well. "I don't think that's a good idea."

I shrugged. "I've done worse."