Chapter 6

Ava spoke obsessively of the concert we went to together in the few weeks that followed. She went on about how much fun she had, asking me if I remembered things like the nervous looking guy at the entrance, or the merch seller who tripped over the box of t-shirts, and even going on about how much she wants to go to another one with me again. It wasn't really unlike her. Concerts always got her excited for quite a while after we went to one together. But I couldn't match her energy. Too many things had happened and that night was forever burned into my memory as the night I killed a random stranger, rather than a night I went to a concert with my best friend. She didn't know, though, and I was planning to keep it that way. No one would ever know about this, even if it killed me.

We were sitting in the cafeteria. It was raining outside. Javier still wasn't at school, and even though I passed by him on the street, I still hadn't the heart to ask why. I would stare at that empty seat at the lunch table where his friends were crowded every single day. Ava knew it, but it didn't seem like she cared.

I looked at her. "Do you know why Javier doesn't come to school?"

Her smile immediately fell, and that's when I realized I interrupted her while she was in the middle of talking. For a question about Javier. Before I could get the chance to apologize, she said, bitterly, "Why do you think I would know the answer to that question?"

"I'm sorry, I just---"

Ava looked down at her bottle of half finished soda. "Anyway, I heard some of his friends talking about how he's depressed or something."

My eyes widened. "He's depressed? Really? Like actually?"

"Yeah, it's why he's been going to the school counselor, I'd expect you'd know this already."

Guilt continued to eat at me, first for interrupting Ava, and now for not even realizing that Javier hadn'tt been happy. That was something I was supposed to know. Not Ava. Not Kendall. But what I did know is that he was going on the class trip. Maybe then, I could talk to him. Maybe then, I could tell him how I feel. It would probably be the last chance I'd have before Kendall did anything. It would absolutely be the last chance I could be happy.

"Are you going on the grade twelve trip?" I asked.

Ava took a sip of her soda and shot me a weird look. After swallowing, she said, "No, I already told you, that shit's too expensive. But, almost everyone will be gone for a full week, so I thought maybe we can just skip out on school altogether? I mean, you're not going either, so you can stay at my house, we can stay up late all night, it'll be amazin---"

"I'm going, Ava."

She was just starting to smile again, but the moment I interrupted her, her smile fell once again. "What? But I thought you said---"

"Kendall said she wants to ask Javier out on the trip. If I don't go...then I'll miss my chance."

I could see it in Ava's face, whenever she was starting to get frustrated. She leaned forward slightly. "And what makes you think you can ask him out this time? You could barely even talk to him, and now you are doing all of this, just so you can ask him out? How do you know you're not just going to fail again? Like you always have?"

It was the first time she'd struck me with words like that. The first time she spoke to me with such irritation in her voice. My eyes were wide, my stomach twisted even more, and my heartbeat thrummed through my chest. I didn't have any words.

After a moment, Ava realized what she said, and sat back in her seat. "Oh. Shit. Marín, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it."

I looked down at the table. "You're right, though. It's pathetic."

"No no! No, it's not pathetic, please. Marín, please don't be upset, I didn't mean it."

"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean it," I said quietly. "It's still the truth."

Just then, the bell rang. Without waiting for Ava, I picked up my lunch tray and walked away. I didn't want her to hide it anymore. If I was in her position, I'm sure I would be just as frustrated, listening to me rant about Javier and watch me do nothing for so many years. And I was starting to feel bad about that too. Without him, who really was I? Maybe Ava knew, but I didn't. And without Ava, I wouldn't have any friends at all.

It became more clear to me how isolated I was from the rest of the twelfth grade class on that trip. December came and went, and before I knew it, I was arriving at the airport with the rest of the class, getting on a plane bound for New York City. I looked around at them, and saw nothing but unfamiliar faces. Amongst them, the only ones I knew beyond their names were Javier and Kendall. Ava really was my only real friend.

It was excruciatingly difficult to get even a second of Javier's attention. I'd, for once, get him to look in my direction, and someone would immediately call his attention away. It was pissing me off, where this didn't used to be the case. I had originally just accepted that he was busy with everyone else, and as disappointing as it was, I never got angry. But now anger clouded my mind, with the way so many people wanted something from him. No one could possibly understand that I needed him more than any of them.

The plane ride was dreary. Since we were a group, we sat in the back of the plane where everyone could keep track of us. With an odd number of students in the class, and no one wanting to sit next to me, I was sitting alone. Well, not alone, but with one of the adults---which might as well meant that I was alone. While I just wanted to sleep on the plane, my mind was too alive to even try and doze a little. So I just stared helplessly at the clouds drifting outside the window, listening to music until my MP3 died.

We arrived in New York late at night, so the priority was to get to the hotel and to get everyone to bed. Of course teenagers don't want to go to sleep, especially not when they're with their friends, so that was a clear frustration by the staff. But since I was "well behaved" and none of the other girls wanted to bunk up with me, I got a room by myself, so no one could pass any judgment if I wanted to stay up late. Not that they would even get the opportunity. The staff focused their attention on the other students' rooms because they were the ones being loud and rowdy. Everything worked out perfectly, but really that was only the case if I wanted to be alone. And that was far from the truth.

I could probably count how many times the staff almost forgot about my existence. They didn't come to wake me up, or if they did, I would be the last---which really wasn't a big deal, I was usually awake early anyway. I never talked, so sometimes I would be left behind during the tours. Whenever we were out on the streets of Manhattan, I had to awkwardly cling to a chaperone to be sure I didn't get lost, but they just interpreted this as anxiety, and treated it in such a patronizing way. That pissed me off too.

There had been a pool at the hotel we were staying at. Half the time I listened to my classmates ask when they could swim and constantly being told it would be at the end of the week. I soon observed that there was really nothing about this trip worth all of the money they asked for from students. I was starting to bet that they just shoved it up their asses instead of doing anything worthwhile with it.

It was dinner time on Thursday. I was sitting alone in the dining room once again, picking at hotel food that was hardly appealing. I was just about to get up and throw it all away when I spotted Javier doing the same thing. And he was alone.

I shuffled over to him and smiled. "Hey, Javier!"

He jumped in surprise, then relaxed when he looked at me. "Oh, Marín, it's just you. What's up? Are you having fun?"

I shrugged and set my dishes in the bin of dirty ones. "It's alright, I guess." I poked the toe of my shoe at the edges of the tiles. "I'm just a little disappointed I haven't gotten to spend more time with you, you know?"

Javier nodded. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that." He appeared as though he wanted to say more, then closed his mouth, breathing out quietly. He looked towards the rest of the dining room, at our other classmates having dinner. "It gets a little tiring dealing with so many people all day."

I nodded. "I bet."

We stood there in silence for a moment, and it was obvious that neither one of us even knew what to talk about. I thought about starting another conversation about music, but I had little hope that would even lead anywhere. Then, an idea struck me.

"Javier?"

He turned to me. "Yeah?"

"What if...what if you came and hung out in my room for a bit?"

He hesitated. "I mean...I'd like to, but that'd get me in a lot of trouble."

I looked up at him, and I felt more boldness burn inside of me. "No one will find out, I promise. They don't even bother checking on my room anyway."

"But my friends will notice that I'm missing," he said.

"Ask them to cover for you, then," I said. "Come on, let's go upstairs before anyone sees us."

Before he could get a chance to protest, I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him out of the dining area and into the hotel hallway. We hurried into the elevator, the thrill of sneaking around coursing through my veins. I could see the anxiety on Javier's face, but something told me that thrill was hitting him too. The first thing we did was head to his room, where he left a note for his friends whenever they would return. Then, we rushed down to the end of the hall and slipped into my room.

I couldn't help but giggle in excitement. Not just in having him with me, but having done something so exciting with him. Sneaking around and breaking rules was not like something I would've ever done before, and now I could feel what I was missing out on. It was a childlike sense of excitement---running and hiding from imagined threats---a source of wonder and life I hadn't felt in such a long time.

In the few moments after we stepped into my room, it took a minute for Javier to share my laughter. "You're going to get me in so much trouble," he said again, though this time he was smiling.

I took a breath and smiled at him. "It'll be worth it, right?"

He paused, then nodded. "Yeah, I think so."

I closed the blinds in front of the hallway window next to the door of the room, then we sat down on the floor next to my bed and played music for the next few hours.

We could hear the sound of the rowdy hallways after dinner, as the chaperones were trying to usher everyone into their rooms. I listened intently for the sound of a knock on my door, but none ever came. Just soon enough, the hallways quieted down, as did the rooms next to us, and the hotel settled into tranquility. By the time that happened, our playlists had run out, and we were sitting together in awkward silence. I racked my brain, trying to think of something else to do. The brand new idea spawned in my mind when I got up to get a glass of water: I caught sight of the balcony, the twinkling city lights beyond it, and that's where it came from.

Somewhat absentmindedly, as I sipped my water, I heard myself say, "What if we went up to the roof?"

He looked at me with bewilderment. "Is that even possible?"

I glanced over at him, then back at the balcony, and then at the door to the hallway. "Maybe it is. We'll just have to see."

We grabbed our coats---mine from my suitcase, Javier's from sneaking into his room---and headed up the elevator as far as it would take us, before wandering the empty halls of the top floor. After locating the stairwell, we headed up to the roof access door. We cautiously tested the doorknob, found it unlocked, and let ourselves out onto the roof, though not without propping the door open first.

Snow drifted down from the pale, dark sky, illuminated by the city lights shining all around us. In an instant, all of the thrill and excitement from breaking rules left my body, and all I was faced with was the tranquility of snow drifting into my hair. You could hear the traffic from down below where we were, but it had been shifted into the background, the open air and the breeze taking precedence. The sky above us seemed to swallow me whole, and I felt as though I wanted it to. To disappear into the clouds in a flurry of snow, it would be so beautiful.

Javier and I stood near the edge, leaning on the roof wall, looking at the city below and around us. For once, when I was with him, I didn't feel the need to constantly watch him as though he might disappear if I look away. I could feel the weight and warmth of his presence beside me, I could hear his breathing, he was more real to me then than he ever had been before.

There was a scar that wrapped around the side of his left hand, that I could see up close for once. I wasn't sure if it was intentional, but he seemed to always manage to hide it in some way. But here, it was fully exposed. I also wasn't sure if he told anyone else where he got the scar from, but I never heard him talking about it. I knew, of course.

I took a deep breath. "When we were in seventh grade, we went to the same school. I was bullied a lot back then. For being small and liking niche things and being Mexican. Ava was my only friend back then, and she still is, you know. But she used to get sick all the time, so she missed school a lot. So I was alone...a lot. I'm sure you remember them---that group of guys led by Elliot Mason, before he moved out of town---the ones who used to pick on me the most during recess. It was another day where Ava wasn't there, and they'd taken my DS and were playing 'monkey in the middle' with it, trying to fuck with me." I thought about looking over at him, but I kept my gaze trained on the city lights of the buildings across from us. "At some point, they switched the DS for a rock. A really sharp one, they probably stole from a construction site or something. And I knew when Elliot looked at me, he was going to throw it directly at my head. I don't know how, but you must've seen it first. You grabbed him before he could throw it and wrestled the stupid rock away from him, but he managed to cut you, right across the hand with that thing." I took another deep breath, feeling my heart race inside of me. "That's how you got that scar. I remember, because it was the day that changed my life."

I lifted up my head and turned to meet his gaze. He'd been looking at me the whole time, listening intently to every word I was saying. His eyes were wide, his lips quivering as though he wanted to say something. He was holding his hands together, a pair of fingers tracing the scar I was describing.

I swallowed and let out a short sigh. "That meant everything to me. You stood up for me without a second thought and even made sure I wasn't hurt. I remember it all so vividly, and it still makes my heart so warm."

Javier stared at me in silence for another moment before finally speaking. "I didn't know...I didn't know I could mean so much to someone like that. That day, it really changed your life?"

I nodded.

He looked away, staring absentmindedly at the street below. He blinked a few times, pursing his lips, a few loose bits of his hair falling in front of his face. "It feels like everyone always wants something from me. Not that they actually care, you know? But they keep coming to me because they know I'll give it to them."He drew a hand over his face. "I only have a few 'real' friends, but they feel less and less like real friends the longer I spend time around them. It doesn't feel like they actually see me." He paused again, considering the rest of his words. "I haven't really spent a lot of time around you, Marín, but I see you when you're watching me."

Just hearing him say that made my heart leap. He noticed, this entire time?

He smiled a little. "It's kind of intimidating, but it felt like you were actually looking at me. Not like anyone else does. You're so much more bashful when you talk to me, you can still barely look me in the eye, but you still smile." He rubbed his face again and sighed. "It's hard to describe what I mean, but you've always been different from everyone else, and that's really refreshing."

I could hardly find any words to respond to that. I didn't even know what to think. He noticed this entire time, and he wasn't bothered? He valued my presence? My head spun with so many feelings, I could barely keep myself in the moment.

After a moment, I took another breath. "You're...depressed. That's why you haven't been at school?"

Another moment of silence before Javier nodded. "I have depression. I haven't been at school because I'm just too fucking tired, you know? It's only been getting worse, and...and I can't face anyone when I can't even keep a smile on my face."

"I've missed you," I said.

He glanced over at me. "You have? Why?"

I stared at him quizzically before answering, "You're like...the only thing I have to look forward to."

He sighed again and looked away. "I'm sorry, that was a stupid question. After everything you just told me."

I stepped closer to him. "That's okay. I don't mind."

There was more silence, drawn out for longer this time. I knew what I had to say next, and with every single second that passed by, I felt sicker and sicker thinking about it. I was so close, I was here, this was my chance. There wouldn't be any other opportunity better than this, and I would definitely suffer even more if I passed it up.

"You know...Javier?"

His eyes met mine. "Yeah?"

My heartbeat was in my throat. "That day, the one where you stood up for me..." I swallowed stiffly, struggling to maintain eye contact. "I didn't know it then, but...but that was the day that I...fell in love with you."

It was difficult for me to believe that those words were finally out of my mouth. I couldn't feel anything but my heart racing through my entire being and my body trembling uncontrollably. Javier looked at me with some incredulous expression on his face. He didn't speak for a few minutes after, and each one that passed deepened the anxiety pinning me to the ground.

"You really are in love with me?" he finally said.

I nodded slowly.

"I um...I don't know what to say." He pulled a hand through his hair. "You're so...unique, Marín. I never knew you felt that way."

"It took me a while to realize it too," I said quietly. I looked at him, then at the ground. "Can I hug you?"

He hesitated, then nodded. I practically fell into his arms, basking in his warmth. Nothing was more comfortable than the way he held me. I didn't need him to say anything more. Right now, this was all I wanted. It was what I'd dreamed of for years. Telling him the truth of how I felt, and then letting him hold me for as long as we could both stand it.

Nothing could ruin this.

I was awake late the morning that followed. This wasn't usual, but I guessed it was because I was up later than I typically was. I didn't think much of it, since it wasn't so late that I would've been completely left behind. Like these past few days, I just got dressed, brushed my hair, and headed downstairs to see what was being served for breakfast that morning. After Javier and I came back down from the roof last night, he went back to his own room, and I went back to mine. I had hoped, just a little bit, that he might come and say good morning, but maybe I was asking for too much. Besides, it's not like anyone would even let him do that.

I stepped off of the elevator and made my way into the dining room. I took a slow look around, scanning the group for Javier. My eyes landed on him almost immediately, sitting at a table with his friends. There was an empty chair next to him, leading me to believe that Kendall was late to breakfast too. I thought it might be just a little jab back at her to take her seat, and at the same time get the actual opportunity to spend more time with Javier.

Just as I was walking over there, my plate in hand, I heard someone yell from the entrance of the dining area. Collectively, everyone turned to look in that direction, the room going quiet. There she was, Kendall, all dolled up, more so than usual, standing with another one of her friends.

"Hey, Javier!" she shouted. She nodded to her friend, and the two of them backed away from one another, revealing a banner that rolled out. Kendall read it aloud, a wide smile on her face. "Javier! Will you go out with me?"

My insides shriveled into dust. My head spun. I turned my head to look at Javier, like everyone was. The people nearest to him were urging him to say yes. I mean, what boy wouldn't say yes to dating someone like Kendall? She was perfectly beautiful, almost flawless. But is that what Javier thought of her? He visibly hesitated, the only one who wasn't smiling at Kendall's show, but he wasn't about to run away. He wasn't the type. I knew him, didn't I?

A smile crossed his face, a pained one. With a forced laugh, he said, "Yeah, I'll go out with you, Kendall."

My plate shattered on the tile between my feet.