Chapter 7

The first thing I did when I arrived back in town was go to Ava's house. At that point, what else could I do? My mind was a broken, mangled mess, and she was the only one who would listen, who would be there unconditionally. I'd always known her to be that way. Ava was my best friend for six years at that point, and despite all of my bullshit, she stuck by my side. There was no one else I could find who would be like that. Just stepping through her front door, I wanted to collapse into her, but I managed to drag myself upstairs to her bedroom, where we talked.

At first, I was just a sobbing mess, barely able to get any words out. The entire way back from New York, I had to keep my composure, to keep myself from letting anything out, lest someone notice. And now that I was alone with Ava, everything came pouring out in a startling flood. When I managed to get a handle on my words, I went on and on about everything that happened. From the start of the trip, all the way to the end.

In between my sentences I sucked in sharp breaths. "And---and---that, that fucking bitch, she just had to ask him in front of everyone! So he'd have no choice but to say yes. He'd never say no and embarrass her like that, and she knew it!" I paced back and forth across Ava's bedroom, not even casting so much as a glance in her direction. She was curled up on her bed, listening with an expression on her face that I couldn't read. "That cunt took advantage of him, I know she did. And she wanted me to see it too! She wanted to rip my heart out and eat it right in front of me."

I stopped for a moment longer, and that gave Ava, finally, the opportunity to speak. "Have you ever thought that maybe he really does like her like that?" she said, her voice rather quiet.

I paused where I was, standing near her closet. "But he doesn't. I know he doesn't."

"Did he tell you that?"

My heart raced and I turned around to face her. "He can't, Ava! Not after everything he told me. That can't be true! Kendall's the last kind of person he'd want to spend any real time with, I know it!"

Ava was silent for another moment, her expression twisting into something of frustration. "Marín, why won't you stop acting like you know him inside and out?! You've barely spoken to him over the past several years, and he knows your name by a fucking landslide!"

Something about her words hit me even harder this time. "Ava, you don't---"

"What, I don't get it?" she interrupted. "I don't understand? It doesn't fucking matter whether or not I understand! Why can't you just let go of this guy who doesn't give a shit about you, and try falling in love with me instead?!"

The room was shocked into sudden, deafening silence. Both of us stared at each other through these few minutes that felt as though they must've been hours. I didn't know what to feel. A lump formed in my throat, my heart hammered itself against my rib cage, my knees wanted to collapse beneath me.

Ava, in love with me?

It was then I realized that her expression was not of frustration, but of anguish. Listening to all of this, did it pain her like that? And for so long, so incredibly long, listening to me be hopelessly in love with someone else, it must've been tearing her up. This realization started to tear me up too. How could my best friend be in love with me like that, and I didn't even notice?

"What did you just say to me?" I replied hoarsely.

She met my gaze, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. "I want you to be in love with me, because I'm in love with you."

"Ava..."

She stood up and walked over to me. "It was like the first time I saw you. You made my heart flutter, Marín. You made my heart fly out of my chest like no one else. But you've been in love with him for so many years." She pushed some of her hair out of her face. "I've done everything I can to get you to let go, but you're so goddamn stubborn. I really don't understand, Marín. What's so special about him? What's so special about him that you barely even look at me?"

I took a step back. "Ava, I'm sorry, I don't---"

"Marín, just listen to me. I've done so much for you, for us. Even though seeing you in love with him gave me so much pain, I could see the pain in you, too. I would do anything to get you to stop hurting, to finally let go of this." While tears still rolled down her face, her mouth curved into a smile. "I asked Kendall to spend time with him. I told her to ask him out. I gave her everything I had saved, just to do this. I thought that, maybe, if you saw him going out with someone else, you'd finally give up on him."

A sharp pressure building in my chest felt like spears driving their way through my heart---I choked on a gasp and stepped back again. "You...you did what?" I felt dizzy. "You told her to...to ask him out...?"

She nodded. "I did. It was for you, can't you understand?" She stepped forward again. "I did this because I love you."

I shook my head. "No, you did this for yourself."

Ava reached out, wrapping her hands around my shoulders. "Please, just think about it a little more, Marín."

I shoved her back, my feelings of horror and shock being overcome with anger. "No! Don't touch me!" I took a breath and stepped away from her, backing towards her bedroom door. "You ruined my fucking life, Ava, can’t you see that? If you really do love me, you'll leave me the fuck alone."

After grabbing my stuff, I threw her door open and ran down the stairs without waiting for her to answer. I haphazardly shoved my shoes on without bothering to tie them and walked out her front door, slamming it behind me. I didn't even bother going to the bus stop, I walked right past it. If I stopped, she would follow me. I didn't want her anywhere near me.

The sun was starting to set. The skies were baked in red, the color splattered against the clouds, desecrating their white purity. My shadow stretched long across the sidewalk in front of me, and in my tear filled eyes, it almost looked like it was stretching and twisting into strange, unreadable shapes. My feet hurt, walking all this way without fixing my shoes. My shoulders were aching as I carried my bags without stopping. I needed the pain. I needed to feel it. Why, I couldn't find a real answer in my muddied mind. There was a metallic taste in the back of my throat. All I could think of was blood. Blood spilled across the walls, across the floor, sinking into the delicate fibers of carpet and clothing. What I had come to understand is that there wasn't worth having trust in anyone, anymore. Ava was all I had, and yet she admitted to something like this. A fucking liar. They're all fucking liars. What more could anyone want but to tear my life apart? How did I even put up with it before?

I thought again of the man I killed. The one time I dared to stand up for myself, and thinking of it now, it brought me more joy than distress. The bastard deserved it, and I was not ashamed to think that. Maybe everyone else deserved it too. Surely. Definitely. When I finally arrived at my house, it was dark. Stepping inside, I saw my mom sitting on the couch in the living room. Of course that's where she was. When I stepped in, she looked up, some look of anger forming on her face. She stood up immediately and took fast and long strides over to me.

"Where the hell have you been, Marín?! This entire week, you just up and disappeared without telling either me or your father. I've been calling you, and you haven't answered a single one!"

I met her fierce gaze. "And what the hell do you care, huh? I fucking told you where I was going, but you didn't give a shit! You never fucking listen to me! You don't even so much as tell me that you love me! Why should I answer your calls, hm? Give me one good reason!"

She was taken aback by my yelling, even physically pulling away. She hardened her glare. "What makes you think you can talk to me like that?"

I kicked my shoes off. "What makes you think you deserve a fucking call back?"

I turned away and ran up the stairs to my bedroom, throwing the door shut behind me. In my body, I could feel the fatigue from walking miles from Ava's house, but I couldn't make myself stop moving. Not then, not yet. I threw my bags across the room and swept everything off my desk, sending my computer and sewing machine clattering to the ground. I dug through my drawer and pulled out the scrapbook that Ava had made for me at the end of 9th grade, and ripped every page to shreds. I tore at every single piece until they couldn't be torn at anymore, and then I threw the binder out the window.

I continued ripping up my room until I was too tired to continue standing any longer. I collapsed onto the mess of my bed and stared blankly at my ceiling. Then, the numbness settled over me again. A disturbing emptiness creeping through my body, making my still limbs feel as though they were fading away from me. There was no point to anything. I could kill everyone and then myself and it still wouldn't matter. Not to anyone else, at least. Not beyond sensationalized news articles and only a week allotted to mourning. But here I was, at the end of my life. Better to take revenge than do nothing.