Chapter 9

Late that night, I snuck into the backyard of Hannah's house, for police were stationed in front of it, to no surprise. If Hannah had been murdered, it was better to keep an eye on her family just in case the murderer ever came back with a vendetta against the rest of them. No one was watching the backyard, so it was easy to hop over the wooden picket fence and creep around the side. Hannah's bedroom window was on the second floor, her window facing the neighbor's house to the right. The vine trellis sat against the wall, and was tall enough that it just reached the height of her window. I hooked my fingers in the holes and lifted myself up. To my surprise, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I'd never been able to climb anything before, due to my lack of upper body strength and the way my hands trembled whenever I would try---but now, it was like second nature. I reached the top of the trellis and reached over to tug Hannah's window open. It had not been locked since I left that night, which didn't really surprise me. I climbed in quietly, clinging to the window sill above her bed. Not much had changed. At most, her body had been removed and the bed had been stripped of her sheets. There were still bloodstains on the carpets, with clear evidence that someone had tried and failed to clean it out.

Moving around her bed, I landed silently on the floor and looked around. Hannah's walls were painted white, tinted pink, and the wall above her dresser was covered in band and music posters. The bands I recognized from when she mentioned them to me before; namely Hole, Sleater-Kinney, and Dixie Chicks. In the walls around her bed were Polaroid photos of her and her friends. I wasn't in many of the photos, to no surprise, but I did see myself in a couple, both of which were just me and Hannah together. I stood up and walked around, taking a slow look at all of her things. A bookshelf filled with mostly books of the romance genre, clothes laid out on her dresser, presumably a planned outfit, and an electric guitar and an amp sitting in the corner. Her desk sat right next to the instrument, and laid out on her desk were loose sheets of notebook paper with chords and lyrics scribbled down on them. There were so many things I didn't know about her, and so many things that everyone never mentioned.

Her diary was next to the other sheets of paper, and I slowly picked it up and flipped through the pages. Consistent entries---she was always thinking about something. Her handwriting was neat and flowery, and she had a tendency to dot her i's with hearts.

"Someone's coming," Krieth said. He'd been waiting just outside the window on a tree branch. "You should get going."

And he was right. I could hear the footsteps of someone walking to the door. I tucked Hannah's diary into my jacket and rushed back over to the window. I climbed back over to the trellis and reached over to close the window. While trying to make sure I didn't drop her diary, fall off the trellis and close the window all without being seen, it had suddenly become increasingly difficult. I gripped the top of the trellis with one hand, while using my elbow to hold the diary in place under my jacket. My foot clung to one of the holes while I was reaching over to the window with my right hand.

"You try too hard and you'll fall."

"Shut up," I whispered through gritted teeth. I managed to pull the window shut before I heard the bedroom door open, and I let out a long sigh of relief. Then the top of the wooden trellis bent under the weight of my grip, and snapped. I fell from where I stood against the wall and crashed into the bushes against the neighboring fence.

Krieth flew down and perched himself on top of the wooden fence post. "I told you." I sighed and moved to push myself to my feet, but then he stopped me. "Don't get up yet. If you get up now you'll be seen."

I froze in place, waiting for something to happen. I didn't hear or see anything, though that was probably due to the position I was in. There was a good chance someone heard me fall and was checking, or maybe someone had spotted me climbing up the side of the house and was double checking if someone was there. Regardless, I trusted what Krieth was saying.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally gave me the all clear. I climbed out of the bushes and brushed myself off before heading back the way I came. It didn't seem that anyone had spotted me, but still, I stuck to alleyways and dark corners for the slight possibility. I wasn't sure what time it was when I made it back into my bedroom, but that didn't matter. I tossed my jacket aside and collapsed into my bed with Hannah's diary in hand, Krieth taking his trademarked spot on my desk. The diary was a hardcover journal with one of those ribbon bookmarks attached to the binding. The bookmark had been stuck in her last entry, which had been written on Friday. Right before she died.

As I read through some of her entries, I learned a lot more about her than I thought there was to learn. She and Nancy had talked about making a band, and Hannah had even written some drafts of songs. Nancy apparently was interested in taking drum lessons so that they could make music together, and was even considering inviting another girl from school that I hadn't met properly before. And beside all of this were her thoughts on me and Darren. So consistently she wished that Darren and I would get along better, since she started to think that I wasn't so bad of a person to hang out with, in reality. Apparently she'd known Darren for years and thought of him highly. Of course I'd never seen this, but according to her entries, he was very kind and understanding whenever she needed to talk to him. But she clearly had a problem with the way he treated other people and was afraid to confront him about his behavior. That was what kept her in that friendship with him.

In the beginning of the diary, I was hardly mentioned at all. But my presence in her thoughts grew progressively as it went on. Hannah talked about how passive I was in their friend group, not particularly participating in the things that they did together. She wanted to get to know me better, since she was getting comfortable having me around. She cared about me, and regretted how poorly she thought of me before we even properly met. Still, she feared inviting me to do things that were just the two of us, and even asking me about my personal life. She had a lot of anxiety, more than I could've ever thought.

And then I reached her final entry from Friday. I purposefully took my time reading through it to get to this point, being forced once again to recall what happened that night. But this was as good a strategy as any to get over it.

Dear diary,
I hung out with my friends today. Nancy, Darren, Lucas and Jay all came over and we spent time together. It was nice to not have to worry about anything. Darren brought some MJ and we smoked it together. I don't even know how he got it and got away with it, I mean his dad is a cop. Still, it was fun. I'd never done anything like that with my friends before.
Lucas and Nancy ended up passing out together, they're so cute. Jay fell asleep on the floor. I've never seen him sleep before. He doesn't look so grumpy when he's sleeping.
Darren asked to talk to me alone. I wasn't sure why, since we were both high and the conversation probably wasn't going to amount to much. We went up to my bedroom while the others were asleep and sat down on my bed together. He had a hard time explaining what he was thinking, probably because of the MJ we smoked or because he was nervous, but he told me that he likes me. Like, a lot, like...he has feelings for me. More than just friends. I didn't know what to say, because I like him too, but I don't want to make Jay feel bad. And then I just...I kissed him. I don't know why, and I shouldn't have done that. But still, it felt kind of good, and I feel bad just writing that here.
Jay walked in on us kissing. I felt---I FEEL horrible. He said that he didn't care and he left before I got the chance to explain. We're not all that close, but if he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, I was sure he would have left by now. I'm afraid I really hurt his feelings.
Darren didn't say much after that, I'm sure he felt just as awkward as I did. I didn't tell Lucas or Nancy what happened. I think it's just best that I figure it out on my own. Everyone left and now I'm alone again. It was fun, but I can't stop thinking about Jay. I'll talk to him when I see him on Monday. I really don't want to leave things like this.
Anyway, I think that's all for now. I'm going to bed now.
Yours truly,
Hannah.

It took me a moment to realize that I was crying again. I took in a shaky, bated breath, and wiped my eyes on my sleeves. Hannah never got the chance to make things right with me. She never got the chance to make music with her friends. She never saw her family again after they left. The last thing she ever saw was ravenous crows eating her alive, and me standing behind them.

"Stop crying," Krieth said, his usual monotone laced with irritation.

I inhaled once again before letting out a long sigh. "Right, right. I get it."

"I don't understand the point of this little excursion if you're just going to cry over this girl again. You're better off burning that book anyway. If you keep it, someone will find it sooner or later."

I closed the diary and stuck it under my mattress. "Yeah, I know. I'll...I'll burn it tomorrow. After school."

"Good."

I slid under the covers and closed my eyes. I fell asleep that night, and for the first time in the past week, I felt well rested.